(theme music playing)
(cheers, applause)
Welcome, welcome, welcome to "Last Week Tonight"!
Thank you so much for joining us.
I'm John Oliver. Just time for a quick recap of the week,
and we begin in North Korea,
named "Best Korea" for 70 years running by "North Korea Magazine."
This has been a particularly tense week
on North Korea's southern border.
Woman: New pictures to share with you.
The North Korean military seemingly standing by--
See it there? --ready to attack South Korea
if given that word.
Holy shit. So, if given the word,
North and South Korea could be at war.
And interestingly, that word-- Kookamunga.
You cannot say Kim Jong-un does not have a sense of humor.
You can't say it.
Now, both sides have exchanged fire across the DMZ,
and the South has been employing an unusual weapon.
(man speaking Korean over loudspeaker)
Woman: South Korean loudspeakers blaring criticism
of North Korean leader Kim Jong-un's regime.
The North has told the South to turn it down
or face more military action.
Look. Look, North Korea,
If your neighbor is blasting horrible noise at all hours of the day,
you do not retaliate with war.
You wait until the next morning and you leave a passive-aggressive note.
There is an etiquette for how we handle this stuff.
Now, the speakers have been blasting not just news about Kim Jong-un,
but also-- and this is true-- South Korean pop music.
Now, they haven't said exactly what music they've been playing,
but I hope it's some of the better K-pop stuff.
I'm talking "Seoulight" by Neon Bunny,
basically anything by Uhm Jung Hwa,
Jo Sung Mo's early stuff,
or maybe TVXQ-- of course, before Hero Jaejoong left,
'cause I think we all know that after that,
the whole band's sound went to shit.
I didn't need to Google any of that.
That was all up here and in here.
The two sides-- The two sides are currently still negotiating,
and, look, we can only hope that things calm down.
Nobody wants North Korea firing a nuclear weapon.
And heaven help us all
if South Korea chooses to play this.
* Who likes to party?
* Yeah
* Girls got me rockin' down
* Who likes to party?
(laughter)
That-- That was a hit by Hwang Min-Woo.
And please, South Korea, do not play that through your speakers,
because that's not just a declaration of war,
that's basically sarin gas with backbeat and an Auto-Tune.
So, let's move on to Russia,
the prequel and sequel to the Soviet Union.
Over the years, Vladimir Putin has launched assaults on many things,
from Ukraine to the concept of shirts
to unrubbed puppy dog tummies.
That is real, and it is the most likable photo Putin has ever taken,
and also the most unlikable photo that dog has ever taken.
Now recently, Putin has been focusing on a new target.
Russian President Vladimir Putin
has declared a war... on cheese.
After he issued a presidential decree,
a mound of it was destroyed by a bulldozer.
Authorities also incinerated giant loads of bacon
and destroyed peaches and tomatoes.
In all, hundreds of tons of food
have been eliminated recently in Russia.
Okay, that's terrible.
That is a level of food destruction not seen in Russia
since the 18th century reign
of Gallagher the Terrible.
And he was merciless. Merciless.
Let me explain.
Putin has banned the import of much Western food
in response to sanctions over his behavior in Ukraine,
and he's clamping down on any contraband
with no target too small.
Man: Last week, officials in the village of Apastovo
flattened three frozen geese from a local shop.
Now, on one hand, it is shocking to see
that kind of massive food waste.
But on the other hand, geese can go fuck themselves.
And I'll tell you why. And I'll tell you why.
They are just asshole ducks who got really into CrossFit,
and they deserve to be crushed with a tank.
I do not want to argue about this.
We're not arguing.
Now, interestingly,
while importing certain Western products is a crime,
they can still show up in stores, which is why
some Russian groups are now using stickers
to warn people away from any Western products.
This one says... (speaks Russian)
"sanctioned products," and it has a picture
of the Stars and Stripes of the United States,
the golden stars of the European Union,
and standing in front of them, a Russian bear.
Russia, that is ridiculous,
and I'll tell you why. Because putting bears on food,
does not make people buy that food less.
It makes them buy it more.
Most of us only buy honey so we can give a tiny bear a squeeze.
(laughter)
But unsurprisingly, with the Russian economy struggling at the moment,
this destruction of food has not been universally popular.
(speaking Russian)
Translator: I believe it is possible to find
a better use for food, rather than just burn it.
It would be better to use it as humanitarian aid,
to collect it and send it to those who need food.
Exactly. Somebody needs to tell Putin
that destroying food by making it inedible
does not make you a strong leader,
it makes you Guy Fieri.
So, just stop it. Just stop it.
And finally-- finally this week,
we turn to Greece, the home of geniuses like Socrates, Aristotle,
and this guy in Mykonos with an elephant trunk thong on his dick.
It's a vibrant country.
This has been a crazy year
for Greek Prime Minister Alexis Tsipras.
He was elected in January, promising to end harsh austerity measures
but then capitulated in negotiations with European banks
and agreed to extend them-- an idea that was so unpopular,
even he himself tried to distance himself from it
when selling the measures to parliament.
Translator: I will admit that the measures
we are tabling are harsh, and I don't agree with them.
I don't believe they will help the Greek economy,
and I say so openly, but I also say that I must implement them.
That is not an inspirational tone to set.
You did not hear FDR selling the New Deal by saying,
"Look, everyone, is this gonna work? Who the fuck knows?
"Probably not, but it's definitely better
"than me taking a shit in a typewriter,
"and that was my only other idea,
"so we're doing it. We're doing this now."
Because of this, Tsipras has been losing support,
even within his own party, and on Thursday he made a surprise announcement.
Prime Minister Alexis Tsipras
announced today he's resigning,
He says he has a moral duty
to allow the Greek people to judge his brief
and tumultuous time as leader at the polls.
So, another election?
You just had one in January,
You're running a government, Greece,
not producing seasons of "The Voice."
Oh, so Sawyer Fredricks is The Voice now?
I was just getting used to Craig Wayne Boyd as The Voice.
You're moving too fast, NBC!
Give me one The Voice at a time!
Now, resigning just seven months into office,
might seem like a sign of weakness,
but some actually argue
this is a politically savvy move.
Man: Tsipras has decided to go straight to the nation
in an attempt to silence his rebels and renew his mandate,
and it could work. He'll be asking the Greek people,
to re-elect him before the effects
of the new bailout measures are truly felt.
Oh, that is brilliant.
Ask to be re-elected now so that voters will be stuck with you
by the time they realize how terrible you've just made their lives.
Congratulations, Tsipras, you've just pulled off the electoral equivalent
of a Tom Cruise marriage proposal.
"Will you marry me?"
"Yes." "Great, now that you've agreed
"we'll be together forever,
"let's discuss how Earth was colonized
"with alien spirits 75 million years ago
"by the dictator of a galactic confederacy.
"You said yes. You said yes."
And now this.
* (announcer speaks)
Woman on phone: When you want to vote Republican,
you take a chicken to the doctor,
put an aspirin between your knees,
and pray for the country. Okay.
Man: Obama's an idiot.
The only thing that Obama's got going for him
is that he's got a bunch of idiots that listen to him
and believe his same old Nazi commie crap.
Woman: We've got to stand up and say "Enough of this crap."
Woman 2: You know, it's just a bunch of crap.
Man 2: Bunch of crap, if you ask me.
Man 3: Just a bunch of leftist garbage.
Man 4: The Democrats included are scum.
Pleasant scum, but scum nevertheless.
Good morning. Man 5: Hi, am I on the air?
You sure are. Fuck!
We'll go to Greg in Spruce Pine, North Carolina.
Moving on, moving on. Our main story tonight
concerns progress.
It's the reason that your grandparents' views are better not spoken in public.
"Oh, why did I bring you
"to 'Straight Outta Compton,' Papa?
"This is partly on me."
In the recent Republican presidential debate,
there was a genuinely encouraging sign,
because the subject of gay marriage came up,
and presidential candidate John Kasich responded like this.
Guess what? I just went to a wedding
of a friend of mine who happens to be gay.
Because somebody doesn't think the way I do, (applause)
doesn't mean that I can't care about them or can't love them.
Wow! A gay wedding
just got applause at a Republican debate.
Add that to the list of things
that would've been unthinkable in 2004,
like the phrase, "Academy Award Winner Matthew McConaughey."
People would've said you were insane.
And look, it's not just Kasich.
Jeb Bush, Rick Perry, Bobby Jindal, and Marco Rubio
have all said they would attend a gay wedding if invited,
which I can only imagine is terrible news
for any of their gay acquaintances
who invited them only on the assumption that they would decline to attend
and send a very expensive gift instead.
"Well, I didn't think he would say yes, did I, Mark?"
"Now, which of your friends wants to sit with Bobby Jindal?
"Yes, your friends. I like my friends."
Although-- look, not all of the candidates have been quite so clear.
Governor Scott Walker, for instance,
had a much more squirrelly response.
Would you attend a gay wedding?
Well, in terms of--
that's certainly a personal issue
for a family member--
Tonette and I, our family already had
a family member who's had a reception.
I haven't been at a wedding, but--
That's true even though my position on marriage
is still that it's defined between a man and a woman,
and I support the Constitution of the state.
But for someone I love, we've been at a reception.
What? It--
It's a yes or no question.
How the hell did you respond on the RSVP card
when it asked if you wanted chicken or fish?
"Well, that's certainly a personal question...
"for dinner.
"Tonette and I already had chicken.
"It was at a restaurant, not our home,
"last week I believe. I haven't had fish recently, though.
"I still believe it is certainly a meal, which is my position.
"Although, according to the menu,
"there is also maybe a vegetarian option.
"So, to answer your question,
"I have eaten chicken in the past, yes.
"Yes."
But-- Look, look,
while the idea of a gay wedding is increasingly widely accepted,
it is worth noting that there are still a number of surprising ways
to ruin a gay honeymoon.
Today, in most states an LGBT person
can get married on Saturday,
post photos of their wedding on Sunday,
and to get fired from their job
or thrown out of their apartment on Monday
just because of who they are.
Okay, that's clearly terrible.
The only possible reason you should be fired from your job
after your wedding is if your theme was stolen office supplies.
That's the only logical reason.
But it-- it is true
that discriminating against gay people
is surprisingly legal in much of the country.
The fact is, in 31 states,
people are at risk of being fired, evicted,
or refused service just because they're gay.
So, while federal law may guarantee
a gay couple's right to get married,
it offers exactly zero guarantees
about their right to do the things that normally follow that,
like signing a lease on an apartment they can't afford,
or conducting tense discussions about finances
in the brightly lit tapas restaurant of their choosing,
or marching into any bank and applying for a small business loan
to get Brenda's stupid cupcakes-for-dogs idea off the ground.
Brenda, all cupcakes are cupcakes for dogs!
They eat their own shit, Brenda,
which is just as well, 'cause your cupcakes are terrible.
They're terrible, B!
(laughter)
And, look, if you are surprised by this,
don't worry. You're not alone.
A 2013 poll showed that nearly 70% of people
thought it was illegal under federal law
for someone to be fired for being gay.
People believe it because it feels like it should be true.
It's optimistic but wrong,
like thinking vertical stripes are flattering
or making your first condom purchase Magnums.
Optimistic, but statistically wrong.
And there are plenty of recent real-life examples
of discrimination happening.
Just look at Collin Dewberry and Kelly Williams,
a Texas couple who made the mistake
of visiting a restaurant called Big Earl's,
where their waitress had something to say to them.
She said that "We don't serve"--
Umm, can I say-- "fags here.
"We don't serve fags here."
Woman: Then the waitress continued, they say.
Collin: "Here at Big Earl's, we like for men to act like men,
"and for ladies to act like ladies."
And it was just so nonchalantly,
almost like she was reading a piece of paper.
Woman: Well, she was. That phrase is posted
on the front door of the restaurant.
Man: She's a young lady, didn't know what else to say,
and they just kept on--
She finally said-- and she said,
"We just don't like fags."
Okay, that is obviously appalling,
and also, someone might want to tell Big Earl
that having a sign saying, "where men act like men"
is actually the single gayest thing imaginable.
So, that's an example of recent discrimination
regarding public accommodation.
For discrimination in the workplace,
take the case of Casey Stegall,
a gay man employed as a children's
social services worker, also in Texas.
His fiancé showed up to help him one day
because he was overseeing a field trip and wanted assistance.
And the next thing he knew, this happened.
Well, later in that week,
I got a text message from the president
of Children's Home,
saying I needed to come meet with him.
And then told me, because of my lifestyle choices,
he didn't feel comfortable having me on his team anymore.
For the record, being gay is clearly not a lifestyle choice.
A lifestyle choice is when a man gets obnoxiously into jazz
or goes on an Atkins diet
and starts a food blog called "Protein Wolf."
Both of which you should actually be fired for,
but that's not what we're talking about here tonight.
The fact is, this kind of discrimination can have ripple effects,
like when this Michigan couple had their pediatrician
refuse to treat their baby just because they were lesbians,
which, as they point out, is crazy.
We're not your patient. She's your patient.
And the fact that you can't--
your job is to keep babies healthy,
and you can't keep a baby healthy
that has gay parents?
Exactly, but to be fair,
no one can keep any baby healthy,
regardless of the parents.
Babies are fleshy bacteria magnets.
They're basically vomit volcanoes.
They're going to get sick, and they're going to make you sick.
That's just a fact.
But it is amazing that any of those stories
are taking place in this day and age.
I'm not saying that this is the case everywhere.
Some states and cities do have good protections,
and I suppose we could wait for every state to catch up,
but there are certain issues too important to be left to the states,
specifically civil rights and state birds.
You chose the scissor-tailed flycatcher, Oklahoma?
Are you fucking kidding me?
How do you not go with the eastern phoebe?
That bird is a pure-winged majesty,
but you went and chose a piece of garbage with a beak?
It looks like it fell out of Miranda July's hair!
That's a shit bird, Oklahoma!
Shame on you! You're on the wrong side of history!
(laughter)
Anyway, the point is,
states have a checkered history
when it comes to civil rights.
Just look at Arkansas right now.
Not only do they not have any antidiscrimination ordinances,
earlier this year, they actually passed
an anti-antidiscrimination ordinance
that prevents any city or county
from extending civil rights protections to gay people.
Here's a sponsor of that law explaining why.
I want to be treated equal, just like I want
someone from the "LBGD" community to be treated equal.
I want to be fair to them, and I want to be fair to me.
They shouldn't get more rights than I do,
and I shouldn't get more rights than them.
What are you talking about?
This is not about "special rights."
We're not creating "lesbians only" sections on airplanes
or putting up signs at Six Flags saying...
This is just basic equality.
That's all it is.
Now, there have been some positive moves at the federal level.
Just last month, the EEOC ruled
the Civil Rights Act applies to LGB workers.
And a year ago, the president added LGBT protections
for federal contractors. All of which is great,
but those protections could be undone by his successor.
And it's worth noting, two of the Republican governors running for president
actually weakened their states' nondiscrimination policies.
Bobby Jindal let an executive order expire,
and John Kasich kept his
but removed the protections
for transgender workers for some reason.
And it must be strange to live in a state
and see progress actually move backwards.
It would be like if Apple suddenly introduced
the iPhone 7, and it was a flip phone.
No, sure, that's still not as dumb as the Apple Watch,
but it's dumb.
Not that dumb, but dumb.
Now, the main argument against extending these protections
is that it might infringe on religious freedom,
forcing people to act against
their religious beliefs, hence the rise
of Religious Freedom Restoration Acts
around the country. And religious freedom
is not an inherently bad thing.
I'm not just saying that 'cause I'm the current
mega-reverend of Our Lady of Perpetual Exemption,
(cheering) Praise be. Praise be.
Praise be unto you.
This is not-- This is not about me.
We allow for religious freedom in limited, sensible ways all the time.
It's why Muslims can wear a hijab in their driver's license photo,
and why devout Christians can't be forced to work on the Sabbath.
But there are reasonable limits to it.
And we've all heard it mistakenly cited in stories like this.
Man: Colorado baker Jack Phillips estimates
he's made 5,000 wedding cakes
since he opened his shop, Masterpiece Cakes, 20 years ago.
A deeply religious man, Jack Phillips says he'll bake
birthday cakes, cupcakes,
and a variety of other sweets for same-sex couples,
just not a wedding cake.
I actually feel like I'm taking part in the wedding.
Part of me goes to the reception.
(laughter)
Part of you goes to the reception?
I have a horrifying sense what that might mean.
(mimics Jack) In a way, I've been married 5,000 times.
In another way, I cum in the cake.
(laughter, applause)
(normal voice) That baker denied service
to a gay couple in 2012,
citing his belief that providing them with a wedding cake
would offend his definition of traditional marriage.
But that's a little hard to square
with the fact that he allegedly had no problem
providing a cake for a wedding between two dogs.
And, look, those dogs may lick their own balls,
but I'm sure even they are now regretting
ordering a vanilla cum cake from the ejaculating baker of Colorado.
But the bigger flaw in his argument
is his understanding of how the law works.
The Constitution guarantees me the right
to... practice my faith,
my religion, anywhere, anytime.
There are no restrictions on that.
It also gives me the right to free speech
anytime, anywhere.
Except it doesn't, though.
Courts have already decided there are limits on religious freedom.
For example, they found that you can't discriminate on race
based on your religious beliefs.
And there are limits on free speech.
You can't yell, "Fire!" in a crowded theater.
The Constitution isn't the star in Super Mario Brothers.
It doesn't make you invincible
so you can just do whatever the fuck you want.
Now, just so you know, that baker lost his case,
because Colorado happens to be one of the states
that has a law banning discrimination based on sexual orientation.
And when states have those laws--
even states with religious freedom acts--
cases do now tend to go gay people's way,
which is good. The problem is
there are still way too many states
that don't have antidiscrimination laws at all.
So, maybe it's time we just fix all of this,
nationwide, in one go.
And interestingly, there is something called
the Equality Act in Congress right now
which adds LGBT protections to the Civil Rights Act,
the Fair Housing Act, and several others.
It has over 200 cosponsors in the House and Senate.
Unfortunately, precisely zero of them are Republican,
which is genuinely difficult to do.
For instance, there's an actual bill that just designated
September the 25th as National Lobster Day.
Even that had two Republican cosponsors.
And, look, I'm not saying lobsters don't deserve
recognition from our government,
because they absolutely do.
Although, do they?
That's not the point, though. That's not the point.
The point is, this bill represents
the bare minimum of not being discriminated against,
and this should be what represents the threshold of true gay tolerance,
not whether or not you would consider attending a gay wedding.
So, we actually reached out to every single presidential candidate
from both parties and asked them...
It's not a complicated question.
It's a long question, yes,
but it's not a complicated one.
But only four campaigns got back to us.
Lincoln Chafee and Martin O'Malley said yes, they would,
but to be honest, I think they were just happy anyone had asked them anything.
So, discount that.
Bernie Sanders also said he would,
and a spokesman for Rand Paul said-- and this is true--
Okay. You're welcome.
Everyone else is presumably still thinking about it.
But why? We reached out on Thursday
and it should not take that long to work out the answer to
"Should gay people be discriminated against?"
It's just "no." That's it.
'Cause it is long past time that gay people have
the same rights that straight people have,
namely to be fired because they're being replaced by a computer,
to be denied service at a restaurant
because they're neither wealthy-looking nor attractive,
and more specifically, to have a wedding cake but not eat it
because they suspect a strange man may, for some reason,
have ejaculated into it.
(grunts)
And now this.
* (announcer speaking)
Next we'll go to
Susan in Boston. Good morning, Susan.
We'll tr-- Okay, we'll try...
We'll try Marge in Peoria, Illinois.
Marge, good morning.
Woman: Good morning. You're on the air.
Go ahead, you're on the air, Marge.
Woman: Okay.
This is Susan that was on the air.
(laughs) Okay. Susan, please go ahead.
This is Marge now.
Okay, I'm gonna...
And finally, tonight,
you might remember last week,
we discussed the prosperity gospel and seed faiths,
specifically how some preachers use it
to extract money from the vulnerable.
We then launched our own church,
Our Lady of Perpetual Exemption,
(cheering) and asked you-- Praise be.
Praise be. Praise be.
And we asked you to send us money at this address.
And to be honest, slightly more of you responded
than we were expecting.
And before I show you just how many,
let me stop, because I firmly believe in the separation
of church and show.
So, I'm going to hand over now to Pastor John Oliver,
mega-reverend and CEO.
So, please, at home, bow, kneel, sit, stand,
or whatever the fuck it is our church does,
and let us all together, once again, go to church.
*
Brothers and sisters, thank you so much for joining us.
Praise be. Praise be. First, apologies to you.
My wife, Wanda Jo, cannot be with us this evening.
She is at our summer parsonage in Hawaii for a week
of spiritual introspection and occasional parasailing. Praise Wanda. Praise her.
Praise to Wanda. Last week we asked you
to send us your seed offerings,
and I would like to show you a little
of what we received, because look at this harvest
you gave unto us.
(cheering) Praise unto you! Praise!
If I may, just a little feedback
on some of the blessings that you've sent in.
I think we made it clear "seed faith" is metaphorical,
and we did not want your actual seeds,
which is why it was so disappointing
that someone sent this gigantic bag of seeds
to us through the mail.
It was the biggest bag of seeds I'd ever seen
until the next day when this actual bag of seeds turned up.
So... let me... (laughter, applause)
Let me reiterate. We want your actual money.
Call this number...
...and give it to us.
Do not send us seeds.
And also, do not send us...
beef jerky...
as someone else inexplicably sent in this week.
Also, let me be clear, we want US currency.
I should've mentioned that last week,
because we have received currency from all over the world,
including this 100 trillion dollar bill from Zimbabwe.
I was actually genuinely excited about this
and was about to send 100 trillion blessings your way
until I checked the exchange rate
and found out that this is worth about 40 cents,
so now I wouldn't even bless you if you fucking sneezed. Okay?
(laughter, applause)
But, for those of you-- for those of you
who have sent us US currency, great blessings unto you.
We have received thousands of envelopes
with thousands of dollars, some featuring
heartwarming notes, such as this $5 bill,
attached to a letter reading, "Take my seed,
"you rat-faced bastard."
(laughter, applause)
Praise be. We also received
multiple checks, including this one
for $65 billion,
which you may have sent in as a joke,
but guess what-- we're fucking cashing it,
so who's laughing now?
Anyway, keep your money coming in,
to this address.
And remember, the more money you send in,
the more blessings will be returned to you,
and that is still something
I am amazingly legally allowed to say.
That is our show. We are off for the next two weeks
I'm off to join Wanda Jo on our Jet Ski.
It's a preaching machine, brothers and sisters!
A preaching machine! So, good night!
And join us later. *
Praise be! Praise. Praise unto you.
Praise. Praise.
We ain't interested in your seeds!
(cheering)
We ain't interested in your seeds.
No more seeds. No more seeds.
Money. Money.
Not seeds. Money.